Last updated: Sometime between breakfast and lunch
Welcome to Flatey's Terms of Service, a thrilling work of fiction written entirely for layout testing purposes. By reading this, you agree to nothing in particular, because none of this is real. Lawyers, please continue looking away.
By using our website, you agree to:
These terms (which you will not read)
The unwritten terms (which we have not written)
The vibes (very important)
Whatever Kevin the goldfish nods approvingly at
If you do not agree, please close the tab and have a nice day.
To use this service you must be:
A human, or a very convincing impression of one
Old enough to know that "lorem ipsum" is not Latin for "buy now"
In possession of at least one functioning eyeball
Not currently a sentient toaster (see Privacy Policy)
You are responsible for:
Choosing a password that is not the word "password"
Remembering said password (good luck)
Not sharing your account with seagulls, ravens, or other birds of questionable intent
Promptly notifying us if your account is taken over by Gerald the houseplant
You agree not to:
Use our service to plot world domination (unless you cut us in)
Upload content that is illegal, mean-spirited, or aggressively beige
Attempt to reverse-engineer our wizard (he is small but proud)
Yell at the website. It has feelings.
When you place an order:
You promise to pay actual money, not Monopoly money
We promise to make actual food, not pictures of food
Prices are subject to change based on the current price of cheese
All sales are final, except when they are not, which is most of the time
Delivery times are estimates, calculated using:
Modern logistics
Ancient prophecy
Whether the delivery driver could find a parking spot
The mood of the wind
We offer refunds in the form of:
Actual money (sometimes)
A heartfelt apology (often)
A coupon for a future heartfelt apology (if supplies last)
A firm handshake (in person only)
All content on this site, including but not limited to:
Words
Pictures
The general aesthetic
Kevin's likeness
is owned by us, our licensors, or whoever shouts loudest in the next legal dispute. Please do not copy it, unless you are copying it for design previews, in which case go nuts.
This service is provided "as is", "as available", and occasionally "as confused". We make no warranties, express or implied, including but not limited to:
That the website will work
That the food will taste good
That you will achieve inner peace
That this paragraph will end soon
To the fullest extent permitted by imagination, we are not liable for:
Lost profits
Lost time
Lost socks
Existential dread caused by reading these terms
We may terminate your access to the service if:
You violate these terms
You are mean to Kevin
We simply feel like it (it is our website, after all)
The wizard says so
These terms are governed by:
Common sense (in short supply)
The Pirate Code (more like guidelines, really)
Whatever country we happen to be in this week
We may change these terms whenever we like. You will be notified through one or more of:
A small banner you will not click
A vague tweet
A whisper in the wind
Nothing at all
For any questions about these very fake terms, contact:
Flatey (Imaginary Legal Department)
Email: still-not-a-real-address@example.com
Carrier pigeon also accepted.
This is placeholder content. Replace before going live, or the wizard will be most disappointed.